Category Archives: Personal

Into 2019

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I hope all my friends and family celebrated the change on the calendar in a way that suited them best. I did, kinda, I watched TV, snacked, cuddled the TulStig7 and went to bed at the usual time. I don’t really miss all the hyped excitement of it all, but as usual missed Tony, as I do each and every day.

2018, wasn’t really a memorable one for me and I am not sorry to say goodbye to  it, although there were some positives, and plenty of the little things for which to be grateful.

  • The fund set up in memory of Tony hit EIGHT GRAND  (more than €8,000 actually).
  • I made some great new friends.
  • Our writing group published its first book.
  • TdM made a (small) profit at last.
  • All our kids are still alive,  well and kicking and keeping me going, and
  • I shared some wonderful, and often emotional times, with those I hold in my heart, my dearest of friends.

During 2018 I lost some more dear friends, some again to the horror of cancer and HIV, and sadly some turned their backs on me through their sheer bloody-mindedness, or their discomfort with my continued rawness.  I have never dealt with loss well, but in knowing that, I muddle through.

I’m still learning how to ‘deal and heal’, and have reminded myself that  I am my expert.  I guess the counselling training all those years ago did help. I’m neither angry nor bitter about the hand dealt me, but I am still hurting and broken. I’ll say this again ‘Time doesn’t heal, it allows me to hide the cracks more easily.’ I know I will never ‘get over’ the loss of Tony, no matter what some may wish or suggest.

My precarious situation as a Brit immigrant in the EU still worries me, but more and more I am leaving it to ‘what will be will be.’  If Britain crashes out of the EU in March I hope my adopted country will be kind to me, kinder than the country of my birth, and have to wish all my friends back in Blighty, who didn’t want this, the best of luck. I seriously think you will need it.

I’ve no idea what else 2019 has in store for me, and I know some will suggest (Tell me?) I need to be positive to get positive back, but look at just how that has worked out in the past. As I learn to be a human being, I still get told I need to be a human doing.

I’ve just read that back and it comes across as quite bleak. Perhaps that’s how I feel this morning, but it’s not how my life is.  I know I still live a good life in a country I love, mostly doing what I love, and know that I have the support of some amazing, AMAZING, friends, and I thank each and every one for the good times we have shared this year, and for the unwavering support of the few. I love you all more than I say. All in all I’m still very lucky (Privileged?) for which I am grateful and I am trying to make the most of what I have.

I send you all much love on this day that means so much to so many. Be kind to yourselves and to each other.

 

 

 

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3 Comments

Filed under Factual, Notice/News, Personal

Dam

This afternoon I curled up on the bed and cried.

Another little piece inside died.

The dam burst open; I cried and cried.

All those tears for the last week held inside.

I don’t know how long,

I can go on,

Without you by my side.

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Filed under Contemporary, Personal

Smiles to tears.

It doesn’t take much to move me from smiles to a break down these days. The stupidest thing can jog a memory or hit a nerve and I lose it. Luckily its normally in the comfort and privacy of our home, where the dogs provide immediate support with worried looks and slobbery kisses to wipe away my tears.
Yesterday I had just such a moment.
Cleaning isn’t one of my favourite pastimes. I do the minimum necessary unless anyone is visiting.; then the house can be blitzed from top to bottom, inside and out in a just a few hours. Yesterday I decided the top of the tv cabinet really needed some attention. The marks in the dust were too obvious to be missed. With reluctant hands i grabbed some cleaning stuff and set to.
On top of the tv cabinet are an array of family photos, as well as Tony’s ashes and a couple of momentos from times gone by. It’s always been like that, the only difference these days is the addition of Tony’s Urn. Strangely its not the urn or its contents that upset me but the photos. I am the only one still living in any of them. Each has a poignant memory, now bittersweet.
I really thought that by now episodes of grief would have been easier and fewer but they still hit like a sucker punch or tsunami, stopping me in my tracks as I pull myself back together and some semblance of normalcy. Grief really is a bastard.

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Filed under diaryish., Factual, Personal, Uncategorized